Cheeseburger Based Resolutions and Other Failures

home burger 1

My beautiful monster.

My resolution to eat 3 cheeseburgers a week (#3xbrgr1week) (#notreally) ended the beginning of February. I decided to change things up, and didn’t end up blogging about it in a timely manner because I was too busy wearing leather jackets and shooting dice in the alley to inform the internet of significant life changes.

But also, I failed my 2016 resolution. Quickly.

I definitely didn’t get tired of eating cheeseburgers, but I definitely was tired of going out to eat for cheeseburgers. So I ended January In the Year of Our Lord Cheeseburger 2016 by making burgers for myself at home.

home burger 2

1/4 pound burgers, about to get SMASHED in a PAN that’s HOT.

For February I resolved to only eat at home – and have mostly not failed, but have slightly failed in the way that I have occasionally gone out to eat but not quite as much as normal.


Valentine’s Day dinner at home: Food Lab’s meatloaf, mashed potatoes w/ paprika garlic gravy, and asparagus tossed in anchovy & parsley butter and topped with fried shallots.

Eating at home has been really wonderful, actually. I’ve been prioritizing different recipes I’ve been wanting to try, making bread again, and being more resourceful & experimental with the ingredients I have around.

If I’ve wanted to hang out with people in the evenings, I’ve had to convince them to come over for dinner, instead of meeting up for beers and snacks somewhere. I discovered that the best way to get rid of leftovers is to put them inside of wontons and deep-fry them, tricked my boyfriend into eating yogurt in a burrito, and helped a friend develop a pie recipe to use in his restaurant.

apple pies

Fried apple pie research & development.

Anyhow, life is really good, and I’ve really enjoyed how I’ve been eating. It’s cheaper and makes me feel productive. Also, and probably most importantly, if I’ve spent my day at work being angry at food and people making food, I can come home and remember that cooking food is wonderful, people are wonderful, and cooking can be an act of peace and community. There’s really nothing like watching a pot of soup reach a simmer to dissolve your anger at the world into a meaningless pile of goo.

You might also think to yourself “and yeah! She probably feels so much healthier because she isn’t eating 3chzbrgers/1week!” and You would be completely incorrect. I think I had more energy last month, and I’ve already put on a pound since January. So, I hope you walk away with this message: Cheeseburgers are Good for Your Health, Will Keep You Thin, and Are For Grown-Ups.

alex val day 2

Cheeseburger Power Couple is still deadlier than ever. In this picture, Alex is scrumpfing down a delicious Bar Bar burger.